A journey to Inner Healing

I am a recovering hoarder. It was something I learned from my parents and it took me years to unlearn it. Unfortunately, I believe this habit is developed because of a lack mindset. Which is common when you come from poverty.

My family is well off now but when I was a child we were living in poverty. My parents were pulgeros, they would buy things from Texas and drive back to Mexico to sell at the flea market. Because of their trade, we lived in a house with concrete floors and cold showers. My mother had to heat up water just to bathe me in a bucket.

From what I can remember most of the house was bare except for the two rooms filled with items, which I could only assume were things they were planning on selling. At the time I had no concept of what being poor or rich was I was only about 4 or so years old from the vague memories I have. All I knew is I was never without toys, my parents spoiled me with what they could. I even had a pink barbie car that I would drive around in park and many stuffed animals.

My environment was always changing because we moved around a lot after we moved to Houston. It was only until my parents started their business that things started to change. We no longer had to live in a one bedroom apartment with another family or two after they were able to afford to buy their first house. But still we accumulated a lot of things, even if the space was neat.

When we moved into our permanent home, I was still in the lack mindset. I think I was in middle school when my father would encourage me to choose things I wanted so he could buy it for me. I would refuse thinking it was too expensive. I didn’t really understand that at that at the time he was doing very well financially. When I finally got accustomed to letting my parents spoil me I had a habit of keeping things until they were falling apart. I couldn’t even get rid of clothes that didn’t quite fit. These kinds of habits followed me into adult hood.

It was a serious problem. I was constantly anxious because I had too many things to clean or organize and honestly I didn’t most of the time. I would go into my closet grab what I needed and closed the door to avoid looking at the mess. “Out of sight, out of mind” was a huge theme in my life.

If I would try to get rid of something, I would stop myself and think “well I might need it one day. Or maybe I’ll fit into again if I work out enough. Trust, that hardly ever the case. I’m grateful to have had people that were willing to help me get rid of things at different points of my life. Sometimes trash bags full of items that I would donate or throw away. Because I struggled with analysis paralysis it was difficult for me to do things like that on my own.

It took a really long time and a lot of inner work to clear out my toxic thought patterns. After a period of self reflection I came to understand why I was so resistant to letting things go and that I will always be able to replace things one way or another. It is important to release them to make way for the new. I believe it’s similar to keeping a tight hold on our finances and unwilling to spend on things that bring us joy because we’re afraid we won’t get that money again.

It causes stagnancy and a block energetically. I personally felt a weight lifted after releasing the need for materialistic possessions. Don’t misunderstand I still have a lot of things and I continue to buy what I want but I also have come to understand that everything is replaceable and that at the end of the day we don’t NEED most things.

But even now I use a system to clear things out, it’s very simple I get a box and any time I realize I don’t need something I just put it in the box when it’s full I give it away or donate it. It is especially helps if you’re in the process of organizing because you can see exactly what you have touched in months.