A journey to Inner Healing

I think it was around 2021 that I finally got sick of being tired and depressed all the time. It sounds silly after all why would it take me over 15 years to finally get tired of living in victim mindset? After some reflection I realized I had been putting all my energy into helping everyone else with their own mental health and problems. I rarely had any time to even think about why I was actually struggling. Only when I began to distance myself and cut people off did I acknowledge that most of the burdens I carried weren’t even my own.

I had just moved out of my childhood home to a new apartment with a now ex-friend. Things shifted soon after, pandemic was still happening so it was easy to keep my distance from friends I hardly had to make excuses for my absence. After some time things between my roommate and I got really weird after I had called her out on her self destructive habits. And well…she didn’t like that. She started avoiding me after that and I simply matched her energy. I began self isolating, instead of focusing on other people’s drama I began to self reflect. That’s where Shadow work came in.

I had done Shadow work on and off for years but never really stuck to it consistently. I would pick up my journal whenever I felt the need to get something off my chest and work through whatever issue I was coming across and put it down for months. This time I didn’t put the journal down for years. Pretty much every day I would write about a reoccurring thought pattern and sit with it. I would write about how I would feel about it, I would think back to pinpoint why that thought bothered me so much and finally allow myself to feel those emotions I actively ignored all those years. I would let myself get angry as I wrote down exactly what I wished I could say, what I wish I had done different and finally let myself cry because of how much things hurt.

Shadow work forced me to acknowledge just how many times I allowed people to treat me poorly, manipulate and abuse me. I was able to understand just how many excuses I made for everyone, for the way they would treat me. I became aware of just how much shame and guilt I carried over the years for things that weren’t my fault and for things that were yet avoided to take accountability on. I saw the ugliest parts of myself and it was hard to stare at it in the face and accept it. I began to recognize patterns in myself and other’s. And it helped me finally release people from my life that I had outgrown but clung onto out of misplaced loyalty.

It was a process that took years and I may have done things too intensely. I wanted to “heal” as soon as possible by working through every trauma I had as quickly as possible. But it was a silly thought, only through processing can we overcome trauma and healing is not a linear path. It comes with time, which is what I now understand. I believe I probably filled two or three journals with nothing but shadow work. And after about 2 or so years I finally put it down. It’s not to say i won’t pick it up on occasion but I realized that healing is not a lifetime phase at some point you have to put the tools down and start living the new book you’re writing for yourself.

I’ll be honest after some time I felt “lost” without the need to “heal” something. I felt like, well now that I don’t fall into depression as easily, feel extreme anxiety or carry the burdens of others, what do I do? And I found the answer to be, anything I want.

I started traveling on my own more, spending time in Mexico for a month at a time, I visited Toronto, Canada for the first time when I visited an acquaintance, I was nervous it was my first time traveling to a new country on my own. But not as nervous as I was when I did a solo travel to Japan with no plan. It worked out beautifully and because of my experiences I no longer get a sickening anxiety when I do something new. Between all those new experiences I began to pick up hobbies that I put down for years, started reading and learning more. But there was still this lingering doubt in the back of my mind of my own abilities. I tried to work through it using shadow work but even though I knew WHY I felt the way I did, it wasn’t enough to push me out of that self limiting mindset.

That’s where Morning pages came in, it took a while but because I was able to brain dump everything onto those pages I no longer over think things before I do them. I simply get started and go from there because starting is honestly the hardest part of doing anything.

To summarize it, Shadow work is to self reflect in order to overcome trauma and release guilt and shame. And Morning pages are to brain dump every useless thought so it doesn’t hold you back from moving forward.

For a better understanding of just how Morning pages help, my last post will clarify it.

https://estrelladelmar.blog/2026/01/26/overcoming-perfectionism-through-morning-pages/