A journey to Inner Healing

It felt like my spirit guides were pushing the book “The Artist Way” on me for too long. It could have been coincidence but, I don’t believe in those. I truly believe everything is connected energetically. I first came across the book as I browsed a section for self development in a bookstore. I picked up thinking it was an actual art book. I skimmed the pages and realized it was a book designed to help you commit to yourself for three months. I put it back immediately.

I had trouble committing to anything for longer than a few weeks back then and I think I just counted myself out. I doubted my own discipline and believed I would ended up burning myself out trying to follow it rigidly and waste the money I spent on the book.

After that, I started seeing the book more often on my social media feed. Or randomly as I browsed through other books. I ignored it until one day I watched a video on a popular musician, it was about how she followed the artist way and managed to break through in the industry. It spoke of the commitment she had to make and follow through to a self transformation.

I finally gave in and bought the book a few weeks before I left to visit family in Japan. I dedicated myself to wake up early each day and write 3 morning pages. Even on the day of my flight I woke up at 5 a.m. just to complete them. I pressed on and continued writing them even though I couldn’t fully understand what they were supposed to do for me. It didn’t seem much different from shadow work, something I had been doing for years to work through past trauma and limiting beliefs.

At some point I ended up burning out and took a break from writing them. I don’t even think I noticed when I had stopped, I just forgot about it even though I managed to fill out almost an entire journal. Even then I wasn’t fully convinced it was helping me at all. My thoughts already jump from subject to subject and writing them down on paper just made it more apparent how chaotic my thoughts were. Sometimes I just didn’t even know what to write, my mind would wander off and waste time before I would zone back in to finish writing. It was frustrating because it made me acknowledge just how easily I tend to give up on what I’m working on.

I came back to the states a few months ago and hadn’t written morning pages since I had left Japan. I didn’t realize it at the time, that when I stopped writing I stopped moving forward with my plans. I only noticed how lost I was when it came to my goals. In December, I ended up coming across Julia Cameron’s book “It’s Never Too Late To Begin Again” and I started reading it, it’s pretty much a follow up to “The Artist Way”. It was a like a spark, an aha moment I suppose. I started writing the morning pages again, forcing myself to make sure I got them done before doing anything else. It was exhausting, I personally can not do a rigid routine of any kind. I decided to allow myself to flow as I wrote, if I needed a break I would get up and do something else. If I suddenly gained inspiration I wrote it down or got to work on the idea I just had. If I felt like doing something else I would just do it even if it was to clean, work out, play the piano, etc.

I stopped trying to make sense of it, I just kept going and only now can I acknowledge how much those pages helped me even if I didn’t notice it back then. Because of how chaotic the pages became I was able to work on my perfectionism. My handwriting is barely legible, I realized it wasn’t about having a neat record of my thoughts but really just to dump them out and move on. It has also allowed me to really get my creative flow going, sparking ideas and allowing me to revisit old ones. Because of this method I was able to get over my fear of just getting started on things. While I knew nothing we do will be perfect the first time around, I couldn’t help but hold myself back from either starting or just not progressing because I would nitpick everything I did. Writing these pages has helped me get out of my head. It even helped me move forward with posting on my blog which I had started a year ago and didn’t touch for over half a year all because of my perfectionism and overthinking.

So if you ever feel like you’re stuck perhaps give morning pages a chance.