A journey to Inner Healing

I’m an avid reader, I often find myself browsing through book stores picking up anything that catches my eye, skimming the pages. More often than not I’ll put the book back after reminding myself I have dozens at home that I still need to read.

One of those days I picked up the Artist Way, immediately putting it back when I realized it required a commitment of 12 weeks. A task that seemed extremely daunting. I will admit I have a tendency to shy away from long term commitments. It could be many things that give me a urge to run from anything that could keep me in one place for too long. But perhaps ultimately it’s the fear of failure, after all there were classes I half assed, books and projects I never finished and goals I left unrealized.

I began to notice every time the title began to cross my feed. Or occasionally catching a glimpse of it when i would roam the stores. The more often I paid attention to the title the more I was drawn to it. After I learned of the singer Doechii’s documented journey to where she is after following the Artist Way I couldn’t help but feel as if I was doing a disservice to myself by running away from something that could potentially help me become more organized in the way I do things when it comes to pursuing my creative goals.

Sometimes the things we resist the most is what we need to look at more deeply. I don’t know what it was but I couldn’t resist the urge to pass by Barnes and Nobles and give the book a second glance. I bought it that very day and the next morning I began writing the morning pages.

It seemed like a random day to start on, not to mention it was a bit of a challenge to wake up at 4:30 a.m. to begin writing before leaving the house to drop my family off at the airport. I could have easily said I’ll start tomorrow but I find that phrase to be a bit of a problem, it’s one I used often over the years. I found it to be a way to conveniently put things off ignoring the guilt that rose up from time to time. Much like when I first began working out when I would say I would start on Monday and that Monday didn’t come for months. It took me a few days to read the first chapter, I only remained consistent with the morning pages. I wasn’t sure how much it would help me considering I had been doing years of shadow work thanks to do I had been able to overcome my own limiting beliefs and turn my pessimistic way of thinking into a more constructive approach when it came to my artistic talents.

But I found it helped me in different ways, instead I was able to start writing down my dreams and recounting the events I experienced the day before something that I had been wanting to do for years but struggled to follow through. Occasionally, I will simply sit there and stare at the empty pages in a groggy state since there are days I have to wake up even earlier than usual just to complete it before getting ready to go out. It can take me anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour to complete the mornings entry if I can’t think of anything to write. Sometimes I simply write random thoughts or things I will need to do just fill the pages, its only then that I am able to get into a flow state. I suppose it’s because it allows me to release a false sense of control in creating. The flow state brings ideas I have forgotten or new ways to adjust what I’ve been working on. It had been challenging to adjust to the new habit of filling three pages.

I had been used to writing in a journal since I had been shadow work for so long as I was working through my trauma. But never had I sat down and pushed myself to complete three pages, it feels as if I am stretching my brain for any new information in there. There is also other tasks the book describes such as the artist date.

I hadn’t really paid attention to the tasks since I had been so busy preparing for my upcoming trip. With packing, cutting my brothers hair, helping my baby brother with his architecture project and making sure my fur-babies were in good health. The day of my trip I woke up 5;30 a.m. to start writing I wasn’t able to finish until I was already on the plane. I hadn’t planned an artist date but I feel like I could count my flight as one. I spent the time writing, reading, doodling and watching animated movies. Even as exhausting as the flight was I very much enjoyed it.

Finally after 14 hours I landed in Japan, then taking a two hour bus drive to meet up with my cousin and her family. A welcoming reunion with much affection, a quick dinner and soon after I was out like a light. But even the jet lag didn’t allow me to excuse myself from waking at 5 a.m. to write.

I’ll admit I didn’t stay completely on track with the week. I completed the tasks a few days after the week ended. I didn’t finish them all since some of the prompts were something I had already worked on before. I do recall them to be quite emotional at the time. Now it just feels like it was something that happened and I moved on from, after facing the emotional damage caused by family members. Overall I felt like it was a good start, I managed to push through even when the events around me were depleting me of my energy.