A journey to Inner Healing

Funny how life sends us spiraling out of control as we try to figure out what we want to do with our lives, who want to be. A desire to find meaning, a purpose.

Sometimes we get too caught up in the details, causing ourselves endless headaches because things are just not perfect enough. It’s time to accept that nothing can be considered perfect when there is always room for improvement. It’s silly to put things off just because we are afraid we won’t be good enough to pursue our interests. It takes practice to get good at something, whatever it may be. I struggled with that knowledge while I knew it to be true I would avoid taking accountability by making any excuse to give up on my pursuits sometimes before I even began.

The thing is there was a time all of us believed we could do anything and we would try without fear of the outcome. Instead of being frustrated it didn’t come out well, we would share our excitement that we simply did it. There was a moment when that changed for us and it wasn’t always our fault that we stopped living in our most creative and authentic truth. Unfortunately, it is usually someone within our families, friends, peers and society that cause us to lose faith in ourselves, in our ability to do what we love.

As a child I would pick up new things with such excitement, I especially loved the arts. From drawing to crocheting, sewing and everything in between, I loved it all, it seemed my creativity never had a end as I would pick up something new. I changed my mind frequently on which type of career I would want as I got older but, my passion for art never changed. At least not until certain events led up to my fear of continuing to create.

While my mother was always very supportive of my interest in art, she would often let me get away with not doing chores as long as I was working on something. Even now she will bring up wanting to see me paint again. I’m grateful to her for that. My father on the other hand never really showed interest in my creations. Instead would give negative feed back or simply ignore me. Both my parents were emotionally unavailable while they were together, they prioritized each other and work over me. While I was spoiled with toys and I was never without a roof or food, I was often neglected and left to my devices. Overtime my desire to be recognized by my parents became stronger as I was denied the attention and affection I craved. I would perform in an effort to receive praise since it seemed to be the only way to catch their interest even for a moment. I believe I began to lose my desire to draw after I drew them each a cute but silly anime picture. My memory is hazy of their reaction but, I do remember finding my art on their bedroom floor not long after. I was devastated. I knew nothing would be I did would truly be valued from that point on and yet I still tried to do anything I could for their acknowledgment especially my fathers. I tried to do whatever I could to get his attention by burning myself out in order to be “perfect” in my academics and masking my authentic self and interests that did not align with my parents expectations.

It took me a long time to realize I was no longer living for myself but, for another. I became desperate for validation, to know I was good enough. When I never received it my self worth plummeted. It took years of inner healing work to deprogram those beliefs and build myself back up without outside support. I no longer blame myself for chasing the approval of others, I was a child and easily influenced. It makes sense that those who were meant to be your biggest supporters can make or break your confidence. The longer we go without working through what keeps us feeling limited the further we carry it into our adult years. Allowing it to keep us stagnant.

It takes a takes time and effort to reprogram every negative thought you have about yourself. But when your realize your self worth isn’t defined by what you have achieved but by your character it is much easier to release the need to “prove yourself” to others. The only one you need to impress is yourself.